on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
