TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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