I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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