You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
