true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
my liver is dry heaving
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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