is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
