In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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