The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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