I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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