how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Randomize
