ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
