it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
