you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
