we're chasing vodka with high fives
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Randomize
