WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
