I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
