i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
