i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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