listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
