can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
