So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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