My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
