the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
