I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
