I can text with my tongue
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
