Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
You smell like a Billy Joel song
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
