I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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