Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize