I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
