3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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