U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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