You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
