I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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