This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
