Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize