bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
