my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
