Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
