good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
