Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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