I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
