Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Randomize
