My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize