So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Randomize
