im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
