so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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