A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
