I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
