I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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