im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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