I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
