the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
