Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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