Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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