The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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