I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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