you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
