theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
