last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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